A Little Stroll Through My Head
July 27, 2010 by Technominx · Leave a Comment
Spent the weekend in Manchester with the Brickmakers crowd.
It’s a trip they make annually. It’s mainly a weekend of drinking, clubbing and shopping.
I was really nervous about it to be honest. I have been spending so much time around other people, sleeping poorly and only just coping at work I though it might be a bit too much.
Unfortunately I was right.
Everyone else on the trip knew each other really well so it’s a proper weekend with friends for them. I felt like I didn’t know anyone. Like I was there with C’s friends. I think it’s going to feel like that for quite some time – and to be honest probably forever. I really missed Sonia and Helen and Deb and Nicky and Fru and Vic and Lucy and all the people that I am close to in the way everyone else there was.
I enjoyed Friday – mooching about with Adam and Maikel – going for something to eat – going for a few drinks and the night wrapping up relatively early. I did get a bit ‘arrgh’ towards the end of Friday night – but then we went home so I was OK.
Saturday was not so good. I didn’t really have time to catch up on sleep, there was a lot of arranging yourself around other people and for me it culminated in a proper panic on Saturday night and I had to go back to the hotel. I don’t deal well with crowds and people being drunk and pushing and Canal Street was very like that. Moving from bar to bar with loud blaring clubby music really is my idea of hell. I had a total and complete meltdown.
Sunday was better. Just spent the day with C which for me was perfect, and then went to a comedy club – very much my cup of tea. It was a bunch of female comedians and I found most of them hillarious. My sides and face ached from laughing. It was brilliant. I loved it.
One huge plus side: I LOVED spending time with C away from work and family responsibilities. I am just sorry that she ended up having to look after me after I had my freak out. She says she didn’t mind but it must have given her ‘pause’ to use an Ally McBeal quote. I just have to hope I haven’t scared her off. It doesn’t help that I had another total panic last night. It really has been years and years since I’ve had anything like this. I’m sure the extended poor quality sleep is at least partly to blame. Worrying about work constantly can’t help either. I hope I can get myself on an even keel soon. I really don’t want to screw this up. I really do love her, she’s ‘the one’. I just don’t know how to get this right.
I think I might need to spend some time by myself. This weekend reminded me what a solitary creature I am by nature. That I need time by myself. That my head resets itself when it only has me to deal with. The problem with that at the moment is that I miss C horribly when I’m not with her. By choice I want to spend every night with her but that means a maximum of 6 hours sleep. Which is OK a couple of times a week but not every day. Something has to give, and at the rate I am going I it feels like that will be my sanity. There are moments each day when I can barely remember who I am. I feel like someone else.
The other odd thing I am finding is how very jealous I am. I don’t mean I think other people are trying to ‘steal my woman’ or anything like that. But I am jealous of her friends, of the close relationships she has with them. I am beginning to understand it will never be she and I against the world in the way it largely was with G and myself. The concept of sharing the person I love is totally alien to me and actually going to be the hardest thing to adjust to long term.
The love part is easy… and brilliant…and precious…and awesome and totally wonderful. In some ways I have never been happier. It’s just that everything else is feeling pretty hard at the moment. I rearranged my life post G into a stress free existence with no real resonsibilities that I could just waft through in a fairly care free manner…. I guess that only works if you’re on your own. I guess I got to play at being a kid for 2 years. Now I just have to grow up all over again.
I think that’s enough whinging, and whining, and grumping and venting. I have many many things to be happy and grateful for and should shut the f*ck up and stop being a dick.
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See I feel better when I write. I have just scanned what I’ve written and don’t really feel the way I describe any more. For me getting the crap out on ‘paper’ just fixes me somehow. If I let the stuff roll around my head it sends me loopy. if I talk about it it sends me loopy just a bit more slowly. If I write I let it go. No idea why it works, but I’m so glad it does.
Blessed Be
