Thoughts
July 1, 2010 by Technominx · Leave a Comment
I had a real freak out the other day. Felt so overwhelmed by all the newness and changes and intensity and…. and… *breathe*
You get the picture.
Head was screaming that I was losing myself all over again.
The thing I have enjoyed most about the last 2 and a half years is rediscovering me. I LIKE me. I really like the life I have made and the way I relate to people…there is a list of the things I like but it’s not important to this post.
I was suddenly (or maybe not so suddenly if I think clearly) overwhelmed by how, in a couple of weeks, me as an individual has virtually disappeared all over again. I have started putting someone else first in my list of priorities. I have arranged my life around them.
I am wondering if this is a learned behaviour on my part or a genuine part of me. I suspect it’s a bit of both. It’s not even a G thing really as AJ always came first for me when we were growing up.
I swore I wouldn’t sacrifice what I wanted for someone else again. The funny thing is it’s not that straight forward. No one has asked me to sacrifice anything. Quite the opposite. It’s just I don’t want anything but her right now. I want to make her my life and my future. I want to share my days with her. It’s a big mental adjustment to make. Especially since I was genuinely happy on my own. When I said I didn’t mind spending the rest of my life single. I absolutely meant it. The single life is highly seductive, especially if you ave a wide circle of aquaintance. Doing what you want without reference to anyone elses wishes is brilliant. Making yourself happy is intoxicating.
Scary thing is I barely remember it already. I only think about her and making her happy. It’s a big shift in thinking. Huge. Massive. And it’s way too soon for me to be thinking this way…although I know she’s the same.
It’s strange to feel so intensely towards someone that you actually don’t know that well. Someone who you haven’t known long enough to have earned their trust, nor have they totally won yours.
Still freak out ended as they always do. She talked me down. It’s a skill not everyone has.
I really am in love.
It’s brilliant.
It’s terrifying.
It’s too damn soon but I have no desire at all to stop. You can’t choose when people come into your life. You just have to be thankful that they have and roll with it.
I am so stupidly happy.
Blessed Be
Minx
X
