Entry with no title
April 29, 2011 by Technominx · Leave a Comment
… Mainly because I don’t yet know where it’s going. It’s so hard to write because I feel I have to censor myself. So much of who I am and how I behave has to be coloured by the light it will or may cast on c’s business.
Surfice it to say, I have once again lost all trace of who I am in a sea of ‘us’. Except the ‘us’ this time is broader than just being half of a couple. There are so many other people of influence I am trying to please, to guess how they want me to behave and what they would have me do. it doesn’t seem to matter how many times I am told ‘be yourself’ or ‘stop worrying about what other people want’ I am programmed to please, and I just don’t know how to do anything else.
One thing is clear, I really have to learn. Quickly. I am going to end up driving other people away with my failed attempts at mind reading.
I suppose the crux is that I really don’t know who I am. I know who I was as half of Clare and G…. Although I find it so hard to remember much of the 14 years we were together. It’s like a big black hole in my memory with small flashes of specific events. I genuinely think I started to work out who I was when I was single, but that was so tied up in establishing my preferred sexuality, that behaving that way now i have a partner is entirely inappropriate…. Which has kind of left me with a bunch of unhelpful and I suspect unhealthy learned behaviours that just click in automatically.
I don’t even know what I enjoy. When I dig down, all I can come up with is that I enjoy peace and quiet and my partner being content due to my behaviour…. Which is not good at all. After about 3 hours of really serious thought I came up with the earth shattering fact that I enjoy karaoke. No I am serious. It took me that long. Apart from that I’m lost. I spend most of my time in a state of fear that I will say or do something wrong and that C will leave me. Obviously this does not make me the ideal person to share time with. But you can see where it came from. I just don’t know how to break the pattern. How to learn what I like and what might make me happy. Unfortunately I think it will require more peace and quiet than my current circumstances can ever afford. I am a solitary type that likes reading in silence on my own. That simple pleasure is virtually impossible here. I like practicing my singing, but I don’t want to be heard. Again not really possible. Then again I think perhaps I am focussing in these more solitary pursuits simply because they have been lacking. I also know that I go crazy without company and contact. As it turns out I also seem to go crazy without the opportunity for some peaceful solitude in my own space.
Not really sure where that leaves me. Stuffed? Hmmm. Lost? Definitely. I need to work out me. Who I am, what I like. Just not quite sure where to start.
Answers on a postcard to…..
Blessed Be.
– From the iPhone of Technominx
