I am really struggling. I keep going over and over the break-up in my head – and out loud to those I can talk to. How the extended sleep deprivation, odd living hours at the pub, the lack of privacy and C’s own inability to lean on me the way I could see she needed to lean on someone, just whittled the good bits of us away. I was so terrified of being left again, I got more and more jealous of everything in her life, more and more panicked, and although I knew most of it was irrational, the physical state I was in just meant I couldn’t let anything go. Every little thing had a million hidden meanings. So much paranoia!

Basically the toxicity of the circumstances made me ill and my being ill just wore C out and eventually made her unwilling to trust in us.

I know nothing in those circumstances has changed – all the problem and barriers are still there. C is totally exhausted and just hasn’t got it in her to risk trying again. I can see her point, her position, and I can see the validity of my own fears about returning in any way to that toxic environment, to having to deal with her very non-standard bond with E, the lack of sleep. All circumstances were and are against us. We tried and tried and flogged the dead horse desperately trying to get it to run again…knowing that underneath the cruddy scum of the hand we had been dealt was something so rare and beautiful, a real connection that we’d hardly had any time to explore before the hugeness of her life overwhelmed me.

It’s hard. Knowing that under everything are two people that genuinely love each other, that could care and support one another… but somehow it’s just not enough.  I would do absolutely anything to take her in my arms, kiss her until I hear her breath catch and tell her how much I love her, how necessary her soul is to mine. That she really is what I want, that I find her beyond beautiful. That her kindness and generosity of spirit makes her the most precious thing I have ever had enter my life. That she taught me what love feels like. But in reality, she knows these things and it doesn’t make a difference.  There is nothing we can change of our circumstances, and repeating the same behaviour, expecting a different result is the definition of insanity right? No matter how much love it is borne out of. I am profoundly sad. Every part of me aches for her, but I just have to wait and hope in time it goes away.

As things were spiralling downhill – several months ago now – a friend said to me that there were two men in her life before her husband that she could have married, that she could see a lifelong partnership with – but that circumstances just weren’t right. I remember really believing that that was just wrong. That you can find ways to change circumstances to move and shift the world to accommodate what you really want. If I’m honest there were a couple of times looking back when we could have done that, but I dug my heels in – certain it was unfair to completely uproot her life and move her from her home – that I would and MUST adjust. Except I just couldn’t. I need time alone – I didn’t realise how badly – and a flat above a pub, even though its supposed to be a separate entity to the pub, in reality isn’t. People shout up the stairs – the home office is an extension of the downstairs office. There is never a sense of having private time. You can’t run to the loo in the nude, you have to chuck a T shirt and jeans on in case someone shouts up from the bottom of the stairs and gets a look at your birthday suit. You get the idea?

Every one of the challenges of the life and the space is manageable on it’s own. Together, for me at least, they were just a jumble of the stuff of personal nightmares and demons, and in the end proved insurmountable.

So for now I’m a bit lost. I miss sharing her world and her life. She is constantly in my thoughts, but there is absolutely nothing I can do to change things, to go back, to miraculously make it right. Instead I’ll  smoke a cigarette, and sit in a park or on the kerb and wait for time to pass and the hole to get smaller.

Please don’t let it take too long.

Not sure what to do for the best.

I hate that I keep hurting the person I most want to love and support.

I think I’m a bad bad person that should probably be alone so I can’t screw anyone else up.

Blessed Be

– From the iPhone of Technominx

Surfice it to say, I have once again lost all trace of who I am in a sea of ‘us’. Except the ‘us’ this time is broader than just being half of a couple. There are so many other people of influence I am trying to please, to guess how they want me to behave and what they would have me do. it doesn’t seem to matter how many times I am told ‘be yourself’ or ‘stop worrying about what other people want’ I am programmed to please, and I just don’t know how to do anything else.

One thing is clear, I really have to learn. Quickly. I am going to end up driving other people away with my failed attempts at mind reading.

I suppose the crux is that I really don’t know who I am. I know who I was as half of Clare and G…. Although I find it so hard to remember much of the 14 years we were together. It’s like a big black hole in my memory with small flashes of specific events. I genuinely think I started to work out who I was when I was single, but that was so tied up in establishing my preferred sexuality, that behaving that way now i have a partner is entirely inappropriate…. Which has kind of left me with a bunch of unhelpful and I suspect unhealthy learned behaviours that just click in automatically.

I don’t even know what I enjoy. When I dig down, all I can come up with is that I enjoy peace and quiet and my partner being content due to my behaviour…. Which is not good at all. After about 3 hours of really serious thought I came up with the earth shattering fact that I enjoy karaoke. No I am serious. It took me that long. Apart from that I’m lost. I spend most of my time in a state of fear that I will say or do something wrong and that C will leave me. Obviously this does not make me the ideal person to share time with. But you can see where it came from. I just don’t know how to break the pattern. How to learn what I like and what might make me happy. Unfortunately I think it will require more peace and quiet than my current circumstances can ever afford. I am a solitary type that likes reading in silence on my own. That simple pleasure is virtually impossible here. I like practicing my singing, but I don’t want to be heard. Again not really possible. Then again I think perhaps I am focussing in these more solitary pursuits simply because they have been lacking. I also know that I go crazy without company and contact. As it turns out I also seem to go crazy without the opportunity for some peaceful solitude in my own space.

Not really sure where that leaves me. Stuffed? Hmmm. Lost? Definitely. I need to work out me. Who I am, what I like. Just not quite sure where to start.

Answers on a postcard to…..

Blessed Be.

– From the iPhone of Technominx

It’s not the first time it has happened. I hate it. I know it hurts her, so now I am sat upstairs unable to work because I feel all crap and worried and my mood has switched right back to where it was yesterday morning.

I feel so unstable at the moment. I’m swinging from high to low in seconds, and when I’m low all I want is to run away and hide.

I hate that i’ve hurt her and now I do’;t feel like I can make it better as I’m all weird again.

I can’t even just switch off and go to sleep which is what the low level depression is telling me to do as there is a band about to start.

Fuck.

Leaving uea was a good plan, but I have spent all the time since worrying about money. It’s been a while since I had to worry about that and right now I don’t know how I’ll manage. I feel a bit lost and out of my depth.

New job is excellent. There is so much to learn….

Ok change of tack. What a difference a day makes! I wrote the above this morning on my way to work and as you can see I was all wound up and not happy. I’d spent a couple if days like it. But gosh I feel better now. I had a great day at work. Saw a couple of patients on my own. Scary, but rewarding. I was so pleased that M trusts me to do a good job. I really do need to spend a chunk if time thus weekend consolidating my knowledge though. I feel like it’s beginning to dribble out of my ears there is so much of it!

First blood clinic is next Thursday. Eek!! Scary and exciting. I’m glad I have my trainer there to hand hold me. I’m very nervous about finding veins!

Enjoyed barbershop tonight. Feels good to have had a sing. Am now sat in the pub waiting for the band to clear down their stuff so I can tidy the stage. Look at me being all useful!

C and I ordered our wedding rings yesterday. They should take 4 weeks. They are Rose and White gold with a diamond. Can’t wait to be able to wear it. Waiting until June will kill me I’m sure.

Right I have to be off. This stage won’t clear itself.

Blessed be

– From the iPhone of Technominx

This is not an unfamiliar state of affairs for me. It comes and goes in cycles. Cycles I have always refused to break with medication…. Cycles I will always refuse to break with medication.

Normally the knowledge that the way I feel is not real, that it is chemical, that in effect I am ill is enough (with a bit of support) to plough on through, maintaining some semblance of an even keel until everything becomes normal again. I’m sure that in essentials this time will be no different…. Except this time I have valid fear triggers- like the new job, like having no money, like throwing so much change at myself over the last year that I don’t know whether I’m coming or going. I don’t know if i’m making good choices as they are being made on a very new and thin foundation. I have no roots, I am not grounded. I am fear and I am doubt. The only person who used to be able to ground me properly was G. I’ve never really managed it on my own, and even if I wanted her help, she couldn’t help now any way. She knows nothing about my life here. There is no real common ground. She’s not going to be able to talk me down….. And so, here I am. Filled with panic and on the edge of shutting down, with my fingers crossed hoping this passes on it’s own because I don’t know how to kick it into touch.

Blessed Be

– From the iPhone of Technominx

And again AAAAAAARRRRRGHHHHHHHHH!! Christ it’s busy here today.  I was off sick yesterday after waking up all achy and queasy with my glands up on my face…and it’s meant that I’m a bit behind with everything….Actually I’m not there’s just so damn much of it to do.  Lots of running around and being in 3 places at once.

Had a brilliant weekend… C  had Friday off in order for us to entertain SJ – but as she cancelled we went to gig at The Arts Centre which was excellent.  King Pleasure and The Biscuit Boys are well worth a visit believe me!

Saturday night was dinner and drinks for John and Pipsters birthdays. I really enjoyed myself. Possibly because C was also out to play. Big happy smiley face from me.

Spent much of Sunday being lazy – quick trip to the shops – ate some dinner – had a cuddle – all lovely Sunday stuff. Popped down to see the Karaoke….

The Monday happened and I felt like pants. I ended up sleeping for most of the day, popping pills every time I woke up. By some miracle my glands went down and haven’t come back up again. I’m still achy but no more sickness. Hurrah!

I have my contract and all the paperwork to fill in for my new job. I called my own doctors for a copy of my immunisation records – which I will need for my health check. I have CRB forms to fill in, professional indemnity docs…it’s going to take a while to ;lough through. I think that might well be tonights job.

I do have my first couple of weeks schedule for the new job. I’ll be shadowing my first week – lots of healthcare type appointments. Then on week two I am going on a phlebotomy course. Chucked right in at the deep end. After that I have to book in 4 sessions with the trainer for her / him to come and watch me run clinics so they can finally pass me.  *gulp* get the scariest stuff out of the way first I guess.

I have reams and reams of healthcare stuff to read. I want to at least be familiar with most of it before I start. The sooner I learn, the sooner I will be truly useful to the practice.

It really is a huge and scary change, but I think I could do this well.

I certainly hope I can, and it will be nice to give something back.

Blessed Be

Minx

You know when I’m all busy and happy because I forget to post.

The Christmas season was really lovely. I loved spending Xmas eve with my Mum Dad and brother. It was just fabulous. I missed C like crazy, but I had to prove to myself and to my family that I wasn’t going to disappear from every significant holiday like I did when I was with G.

The week between Xmas and New year was just fabulously lazy. C and I both had the time off – so we slept late, spent loads of time together. It’s the first time we’ve had off together where we stayed at home. We’d had the weeks holiday when we went camping. But that doesn’t really let you know if you actually like each others company full time in a normal environment.  I wasn’t worried, but it’s good to know we get on when it’s just the two of us. It was important for me to know before I start a part time job which will see me working from home far more.  If we had rubbed each other up the wrong way after 3 days I would have had to work that knowledge into the new plan!

I am still very nervous about such a huge change in job, but much less so now I’ve had some time for the change to sink in. Coming back to work at UEA has demonstrated to me how much I like some aspects of IT, but also how I will enjoy working for myself again.

There is so much to do on that front. I need to create a poster / flyer. I need to completely re-do my website as it needs to be a business one. Then I need to get the info out to local businesses – on the noticeboards for students at UEA and the college too. Not least I need to actually do some prep for the new part time job. I need to become familiar with all of the current government healthy eating an exercise advice. Swot up on low GI foods etc. Thank goodness I have 2 days in between jobs. I might save those for an intensive session on all things health care related.

Even more urgent than anything above is the need to get our wedding invites out. We’ve done a guest list now – but it’s still a bit big I think. We need to contact the lady who owns the house and make sure she is OK with the kind of numbers we’re talking about. I think she may have envisioned something much smaller. We have at least bought the materials to make the invitations now…which is a start!! Maybe we should get going and make the ones  for the people we definitely know are to be invited and tag the others on as we firm up the numbers. It’s just kind of crazy the way one job depends on another one being in place. Can’t send invites without a guest list – can’t send them without having made a wedding list / decided on a charity for gift donations etc…. can’t pick or organise catering until you know how many are coming etc…

I’m probably making it too complicated! I should probably bite the bullet and just get a move on this weekend getting things done. I can procrastinate for England given half a chance.

Right I’d better go.  I am actually working quite hard while I’m doing this, but it’s work watching multiple bits of stuff install rather than actively using my hands – so I could type. Now I need my fingers back. J

Blessed be

Will write more stuff soon.

I have just had a phone call. It was a most unexpected phone call, and it might well completely change the direction of my professional life. I’m a bit stunned. I’m not going to go into details just yet as I don’t want to jinx it, but wow if it happens!! Just wow!!

Exciting and scary stuff.

Yay!