I am really struggling. I keep going over and over the break-up in my head – and out loud to those I can talk to. How the extended sleep deprivation, odd living hours at the pub, the lack of privacy and C’s own inability to lean on me the way I could see she needed to lean on someone, just whittled the good bits of us away. I was so terrified of being left again, I got more and more jealous of everything in her life, more and more panicked, and although I knew most of it was irrational, the physical state I was in just meant I couldn’t let anything go. Every little thing had a million hidden meanings. So much paranoia!

Basically the toxicity of the circumstances made me ill and my being ill just wore C out and eventually made her unwilling to trust in us.

I know nothing in those circumstances has changed – all the problem and barriers are still there. C is totally exhausted and just hasn’t got it in her to risk trying again. I can see her point, her position, and I can see the validity of my own fears about returning in any way to that toxic environment, to having to deal with her very non-standard bond with E, the lack of sleep. All circumstances were and are against us. We tried and tried and flogged the dead horse desperately trying to get it to run again…knowing that underneath the cruddy scum of the hand we had been dealt was something so rare and beautiful, a real connection that we’d hardly had any time to explore before the hugeness of her life overwhelmed me.

It’s hard. Knowing that under everything are two people that genuinely love each other, that could care and support one another… but somehow it’s just not enough.  I would do absolutely anything to take her in my arms, kiss her until I hear her breath catch and tell her how much I love her, how necessary her soul is to mine. That she really is what I want, that I find her beyond beautiful. That her kindness and generosity of spirit makes her the most precious thing I have ever had enter my life. That she taught me what love feels like. But in reality, she knows these things and it doesn’t make a difference.  There is nothing we can change of our circumstances, and repeating the same behaviour, expecting a different result is the definition of insanity right? No matter how much love it is borne out of. I am profoundly sad. Every part of me aches for her, but I just have to wait and hope in time it goes away.

As things were spiralling downhill – several months ago now – a friend said to me that there were two men in her life before her husband that she could have married, that she could see a lifelong partnership with – but that circumstances just weren’t right. I remember really believing that that was just wrong. That you can find ways to change circumstances to move and shift the world to accommodate what you really want. If I’m honest there were a couple of times looking back when we could have done that, but I dug my heels in – certain it was unfair to completely uproot her life and move her from her home – that I would and MUST adjust. Except I just couldn’t. I need time alone – I didn’t realise how badly – and a flat above a pub, even though its supposed to be a separate entity to the pub, in reality isn’t. People shout up the stairs – the home office is an extension of the downstairs office. There is never a sense of having private time. You can’t run to the loo in the nude, you have to chuck a T shirt and jeans on in case someone shouts up from the bottom of the stairs and gets a look at your birthday suit. You get the idea?

Every one of the challenges of the life and the space is manageable on it’s own. Together, for me at least, they were just a jumble of the stuff of personal nightmares and demons, and in the end proved insurmountable.

So for now I’m a bit lost. I miss sharing her world and her life. She is constantly in my thoughts, but there is absolutely nothing I can do to change things, to go back, to miraculously make it right. Instead I’ll  smoke a cigarette, and sit in a park or on the kerb and wait for time to pass and the hole to get smaller.

Please don’t let it take too long.

I finished my short contract at QMUL nearly 2 weeks ago now.That gave me 4 days to get myself sorted for my new job.

Silly things such as buying an ironing board and getting my decent shirts laundered took priority over celebrating the new chapter with beer, but even with the lack of libations – believe me I was pretty damn happy with the powers that be on my new arrangements!

I have now been at UEA for a week and a day and I think I’m going to like it here. I’m the only girl on the team – which is actually quite nice – and the boys are all lovely. I haven’t really got to see my boss man yet as he’s been off sick and has spent the day settling back in, but hopefully we’ll touch base soon. I really feel like I’ve hit the ground running. I’ve been out doing calls since my first afternoon and only have to ask about procedural matters rather than technical ones – which I’m very pleased about. The work looks to be fairly varied and definitely within my comfort zone with some scope for video editing which would expand my skill set if I am of a mind to get involved.

Things here are pretty laid back actually. No rigid start and end times to the day, which suits me well, as there is always the chance with public transport that I will be late on occasion.

Ooh! Talking of public transport I had a lovely surprise. It turns out that if you are UEA staff member or student you get a discount on the local annual bus pass. It’s not a tiny discount either! It’s a £400 discount. Amazing! It’s like I got a pay rise in my first week. Even better they take the money out of your salary monthly so you don’t even notice it’s gone. Brilliant!

I am pretty damn chuffed I can tell you! I lay in my flat yesterday watching The Big Bang Theory feeling pretty good about the move and the way things have worked out so far. Even my broadband is on my side. When I ordered it I was told that the fastest download I could get on my line was about 6mb. I get 16mb.

Norwich rocks.

Last weekend was Adams birthday. We went out for dinner at Beluga (LOVE the food there) and then for drinks. We ended up singing Karaoke at a gay bar. I got home at about 3.30 in the morning and had a 24 hour hangover. I really am too old to abuse my body that badly – but I did enjoy it at the time! I was supposed to go to a birthday party for the Brickmakers on the Saturday night. There were exciting bands to be heard and many people to see…I however happily nursed my hangover with hot chocolate, TV and Pyjamas. BLISS! Living on your own is the only way to be. I can’t imagine ever sharing again. I just love my own space so much, and not having to get dressed to go to the kitchen is a luxury that cannot be over rated.

Tonight is movie night. Off to see Kick-Ass with L and P.Yup I have a new friend! Go me. (OK so he’s really L’s friend and I’m borrowingh im as we work at the same place – but sharing is what friends do right?)

J

Blessed Be.

I drowned my sorrows in a couple of beers last night and resolved to prepare more extensively for next weeks interviews.

Then I got a phone call….

My old boss was calling to say my replacement hadn’t worked out and did I want to help out while he was recruiting again as there is a lot of work on at the moment.

I contacted the amazingly increadibly wonderful F and she has made it possible for me to say yes. So from Monday I am once again in gainful employment! Wolves are kept from the door for a while and it’s part time so I can still get to my interviews. Even better I negotiated a pay increase. Go me!

It’ll be a lot of travel and some very long days. But it will be good to get a bit of structure back into my days. 4 weeks out of an office is quite enough for me.

So that’s all I wanted to say. Head is now full of all the stuff I need to get done over the weekend ready for Monday.

Blessed be

– From the iPhone of Technominx

I have had a lovely time. I saw Alice in Wonderland in 3D and Percy Jackson and the Lightning Thief. I watched half a season of Dollhouse, discovered the delights of Morrisons, and cooked myself a real meal.

Tomorrow I will be back on the job hunt treadmill, but it was good to just not think about it for a day. I did of course check the email job notifications I get, but there was nothing there to apply for any way. I’ll get all proactive with the hunt again tomorrow. Sort out the box office for Southside, do the April rota for Streetbeat and answer Q5′s broadband questions too.

Forgot to mention I had a bit of an accident this morning and managed to open the wardrobe door into my head. I have a big purple lump the size of a small egg! Good thing I don’t have an interview in the next couple of days. Pretty sure that looking like I lost a fight is not the best way to impress potential employers!

Right I’m of to bed.

Sleep tight

Blessed Be

– From the iPhone of Technominx

I asked C if I could borrow a tripod from her and she gave me one of her spare ones so I have been playing with that and my new remote control for my camera. I’m slowly learning.

Got another job interview letter today. Also got through to the last round with another job. My details have now been passed to the HR dept in the USA for their input and approval. It’s good to know I passed the UK bit. I should hear by the middle of the week. I’m crossing my fingers.

Going for Sunday lunch with P&E tomorrow. Really looking forward to it. Had a good chat with them on the phone this morning and I really fancy seeing them.

I’m enjoying my time off. I love getting stuck into one book after another. You don’t often get the opportunity. The library system is all online so I can book and reserve things from home and then just pop in to collect them when they’re ready. Result!

I am loving my flat and living on my own. The most noise you get here is when my upstairs neighbour hoovers! Bliss! So unlike the hell hole that was Thorburn Square. I shudder every time I think of Delphine. She was so noisy, so inconsiderate. A drunken junkie. Oh well you’re bound to have at least one nightmare flatmate on your journey through life. That which does not destroy us makes us stronger…

OK time for chores…or maybe Criminal Minds and a cup of tea. So very rock and roll!

Blessed Be

X

– From the iPhone of Technominx