The Ramblings of a Technominx

Regular Programming

Technominx — Mon, 06 Sep 2010 14:53:45 +0000

Struck with a bug this weekend. Ended up in bed most of the day on Saturday and missed my vocal coaching day. I was completely gutted, I was looking forward to it immensely. Now I just have to hope that I’m not too far behind the rest of the Chorus in preperation for the convention in October. I don’t want to let anyone down. I suppose I could have gone along and listened, but I didn’t think I’d be doing anyone any favours my making them sick too.

I didn’t really feel much better on Sunday, but had such itchy feet by that point that I had to get out of bed and do something. C had cleared a space for my new desk in the office on Saturday so I went home to my flat and packaged a load more things up ready to be moved.

I managed to pretty much get all my clothes over which was brilliant. C has moved some of the other stuff to the pub today. From the sound of the text messages she might have done most of it. If she has I will feel a mix of relief and guilt. I can’t wait to be moved in properly.

Many things going on the soap opera that is living in such a public space. E and N have split up as have P and W. It’s pretty awful. There are a lot of tears. I’m glad for my broad shoulders. Hopefully I can be of some use if people need to lean a little. It’s one of the things I’m quite good at.

One of the things I am very bad at is cooking healthy meals. I really have to start paying attention to the shopping and meal planning. I can’t let C do it all. E will need looking after for a while I think, and part of that is going to be making sure she’s fed properly. Life is hard enough without poor nutrition…. Now I sound like my grandmother.

Looking forward to barbershop quiz next weekend. I have my team and am raring to go…. Just don’t want to come last!

Also have had a brief conversation about singing with C on acoustic night if we can come up with something we both like. She grinned really big. I think she likes the idea I know I do, although I will totally wee myself with nerves. I have to get over it at some point. I’ll only get better if I practice, and at the moment singing is the only performance high I’m getting as I don’t have time to get stuck into a play right now.

Right, better go. Stuff to do… lots of it!

Blessed Be

Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Champagne in one hand - Chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO!! What a Ride!!

Good God!

Technominx — Wed, 01 Sep 2010 15:30:19 +0000

July 27th….JULY 27TH!!! can’t believe that was the last time I posted.

I am thoroughly ashamed of myself. I was reminded last week by L that I am a person for who getting my thoughts on paper is not only a requirement for my sanity, but is useful for me to look back and check on my state of mind and my responses at a later date in order to help evaluate how I am doing in the present. OK I know that doesn’t appear to make sense but I knew what she meant.

Anyway for whatever reason, here I am. ‘Pen’ in hand.

First things first. I am moving in with C. Yup into the pub. I seem to have found a marginally better balance in terms of sleeping which has tipped me back to ‘fine’ from ‘going insane through lack of sleep.’ Not sure where the better balance has come from. I have definitely got used to less sleep generally, but since the decision was made to move in, i feel less awkward about going up to bed before other people if I happen to need to. I’m also getting more able to filter out the background noise so it;s less of a problem than it was.

I sang in my first Barbershop gig 2 weeks ago. It went pretty well. I liked it a lot. It was an engagement party out near Diss. We were standing on the stairs leading down to the garden where there was a big marquee set up. It was a really lovely house. I have another gig in about 3 weeks time. This time it’s a charity event in a villiage hall. I love that the group sing in all sorts of venues. I’m quite keen to get the chorus or at least an octet singing in the acoustic tent at Brickfest next year. It would be good to have something so different out there. I’m really enjoying the singing. In fact I have a all day vocal coaching session on Saturday this week. This I am looking forward to. No ciggies for me between now and then. I did overdo it on Monday at Brickfest.

C has shown me how to set up the stage so I can help her out rather than standing about like a spare part. It came in handy as it meant I could strike the acoustic tent when no one else was available when the last act had finished in there.

Brickfest was a complete eye opener for me. It was amazing to see it from the other side. Last year I was totally there as a customer. I was there to watch the bands, have a drink and a good time with my friends. This time, although I did see some of the bands, I was there taking pictures, helping set things up when needed, running errands for C or anyone else who asked. I did get to sit in the Acoustic tent for the headline act The Lullabys who are one of my favourite local bands… Well I say local – I think they’re based in Bury. I really love them. I’ve only heard them live twice but would go out of my way to see a gig again. Ooh! That reminds me I need to check and see if they are playing on my week off…Nope. Damn! But they are in Norwich on the 8th October… I shall see if I’m free.

I have started looking at doing a bit of freelance work. I think it will be more than possible to fit it in. Looks like I might have to revamp my website again. Shame!

I finally start my photography course tonight. It’s only taken me 9 months to get my finger out and get it sorted! I’m really happy to be doing it. I spend a lot of time being frustrated at how fuzzy my low light level shots are. I know some of it is my lens – but I’m sure I could do better with a little more understanding.

Right I’d better go. Just want to say…I am happy. I am in love with a wonderful woman who is crazy about me. I don’t care if things are logistically difficult. She is brilliant and talented and awesome and by far the best thing that has ever happened to me.

Oh and my boss man is planning on passing me my probation.

Yay.

A Little Stroll Through My Head

Technominx — Tue, 27 Jul 2010 10:36:07 +0000

Spent the weekend in Manchester with the Brickmakers crowd.

It’s a trip they make annually. It’s mainly a weekend of drinking, clubbing and shopping.

I was really nervous about it to be honest. I have been spending so much time around other people, sleeping poorly and only just coping at work I though it might be a bit too much.

Unfortunately I was right.

Everyone else on the trip knew each other really well so it’s a proper weekend with friends for them. I felt like I didn’t know anyone. Like I was there with C’s friends. I think it’s going to feel like that for quite some time – and to be honest probably forever. I really missed Sonia and Helen and Deb and Nicky and Fru and Vic and Lucy and all the people that I am close to in the way everyone else there was.

I enjoyed Friday – mooching about with Adam and Maikel – going for something to eat – going for a few drinks and the night wrapping up relatively early. I did get a bit ‘arrgh’ towards the end of Friday night – but then we went home so I was OK.

Saturday was not so good. I didn’t really have time to catch up on sleep, there was a lot of arranging yourself around other people and for me it culminated in a proper panic on Saturday night and I had to go back to the hotel. I don’t deal well with crowds and people being drunk and pushing and Canal Street was very like that. Moving from bar to bar with loud blaring clubby music really is my idea of hell. I had a total and complete meltdown.

Sunday was better. Just spent the day with C which for me was perfect, and then went to a comedy club – very much my cup of tea. It was a bunch of female comedians and I found most of them hillarious. My sides and face ached from laughing. It was brilliant. I loved it.

One huge plus side: I LOVED spending time with C away from work and family responsibilities. I am just sorry that she ended up having to look after me after I had my freak out. She says she didn’t mind but it must have given her ‘pause’ to use an Ally McBeal quote. I just have to hope I haven’t scared her off. It doesn’t help that I had another total panic last night. It really has been years and years since I’ve had anything like this. I’m sure the extended poor quality sleep is at least partly to blame. Worrying about work constantly can’t help either. I hope I can get myself on an even keel soon. I really don’t want to screw this up. I really do love her, she’s ‘the one’. I just don’t know how to get this right.

I think I might need to spend some time by myself. This weekend reminded me what a solitary creature I am by nature. That I need time by myself. That my head resets itself when it only has me to deal with. The problem with that at the moment is that I miss C horribly when I’m not with her. By choice I want to spend every night with her but that means a maximum of 6 hours sleep. Which is OK a couple of times a week but not every day. Something has to give, and at the rate I am going I it feels like that will be my sanity. There are moments each day when I can barely remember who I am. I feel like someone else.

The other odd thing I am finding is how very jealous I am. I don’t mean I think other people are trying to ‘steal my woman’ or anything like that. But I am jealous of her friends, of the close relationships she has with them. I am beginning to understand it will never be she and I against the world in the way it largely was with G and myself. The concept of sharing the person I love is totally alien to me and actually going to be the hardest thing to adjust to long term.

The love part is easy… and brilliant…and precious…and awesome and totally wonderful. In some ways I have never been happier. It’s just that everything else is feeling pretty hard at the moment. I rearranged my life post G into a stress free existence with no real resonsibilities that I could just waft through in a fairly care free manner…. I guess that only works if you’re on your own. I guess I got to play at being a kid for 2 years. Now I just have to grow up all over again.

I think that’s enough whinging, and whining, and grumping and venting. I have many many things to be happy and grateful for and should shut the f*ck up and stop being a dick.

See I feel better when I write. I have just scanned what I’ve written and don’t really feel the way I describe any more. For me getting the crap out on ‘paper’ just fixes me somehow. If I let the stuff roll around my head it sends me loopy. if I talk about it it sends me loopy just a bit more slowly. If I write I let it go. No idea why it works, but I’m so glad it does.

Blessed Be

Another Suitcase…

Technominx — Tue, 13 Jul 2010 10:56:22 +0000

I met L for coffee the other day and she asked me since I wasn’t blogging, was I writing at all? I was somewhat surprised that the answer was no. Partly this is because of time. My schedule is somewhat in a state of flux at the moment as I learn how to fit in all the elements of my life. But partly it’s because of the public nature of my blog. I feel overlooked. This is not a sensation that has ever really bothered me before. I am usually comfortable living on the outside of my skin. However I am conscious of making others uncomfortable if I am as frank here as I like to be.

L was right though. I do need to write. I have organised my thoughts on paper – or online – for so long that I don’t really know another way to work through them. I have never had to search for an alternative as writing is highly effective for me.

It does help to explain how I managed to get myself in such knots about work, and how I got myself in trouble there.

In brief, I have not been working as well or as proactively as I could have been. I have let myself down and my new team. My probation has therefore been extended, and my boss man was totally right to do that. My head has been well and truly up my own arse.

As it happens since the conversation work has been much, much better. I have been throwing myself into the various ongoing projects and enjoying myself much more than I thought I would. Clearly I needed the slap around the face. I think I was resentful of having to work full time for 1000′s of pounds less that I earned when working part time….

I have now officially sucked it up.

I feel much better for it!

Anyway I suppose the long and short is that although I will continue to post, I am also planning on going back to a paper journal. Just to chronicle accurately this very new period of my life. This is too public a forum for my current internal monologue. As I work though things, I can come out with some pretty far out thoughts….thoughts that don’t come to anything and are only touched up on for a fraction of a second…but thoughts that have the capacity to hurt and confuse other people.

I went to see Eclipse last night.

My mother taught me that if you can’t say anything nice you shouldn’t say anything at all…. However….I think I have to. It was really quite pants.

I will admit that it is my least favourite of the books. I will also admit that I didn’t particularly like the other 2 movies the first time I saw them. They improved on re-watching for me. This one though made me feel cross. I felt the audience was being sharply short changed.

I know this is a somewhat teenaged target audience and that the real fans of the books are very passionate about the franchise and will be loyal to it no matter what, but there is no excuse for shoddy film making techniques.

There was a LOT of blue screen in the movie. It was everywhere. Now I am a girl that likes her special effects. I am happy for you to use CGI to depict fantastical locations or to create a unique type of movement for the Vampiric characters. You need it for the wolves….but blue screening in a snow covered woodland background is just f’ing cheap. Plus the work on the wolves was horrible.

Enough said. I don’t wish to spend any more time dwelling on it than I have to….. Grrr….

Been spending as much time with CJ as possible. To be honest every second of every day probably wouldn’t be enough! I am not letting myself physically move in so once again I’m kind of living out of a travel bag. It’s the only way I can stop myself from making the future start now. I know that I need a little more time if my head is going to catch up with the rest of me. To be honest. It’s already happening. I left being scared behind some time ago. I am starting to trust the way we feel.

She says and writes the most amazing things to me. She wraps me up in the love she has for me and takes me to a whole new level of happy. I hope to hell I can do at least half as much for her. The rest of my thoughts on this subject are going to be for my new journal though. ;-D

OK. Enough for now.

I have many things to be doing.

Blessed Be.

Thoughts

Technominx — Thu, 01 Jul 2010 10:50:00 +0000

I had a real freak out the other day. Felt so overwhelmed by all the newness and changes and intensity and…. and… *breathe*

You get the picture.

Head was screaming that I was losing myself all over again.

The thing I have enjoyed most about the last 2 and a half years is rediscovering me. I LIKE me. I really like the life I have made and the way I relate to people…there is a list of the things I like but it’s not important to this post.

I was suddenly (or maybe not so suddenly if I think clearly) overwhelmed by how, in a couple of weeks, me as an individual has virtually disappeared all over again. I have started putting someone else first in my list of priorities. I have arranged my life around them.

I am wondering if this is a learned behaviour on my part or a genuine part of me. I suspect it’s a bit of both. It’s not even a G thing really as AJ always came first for me when we were growing up.

I swore I wouldn’t sacrifice what I wanted for someone else again. The funny thing is it’s not that straight forward. No one has asked me to sacrifice anything. Quite the opposite. It’s just I don’t want anything but her right now. I want to make her my life and my future. I want to share my days with her. It’s a big mental adjustment to make. Especially since I was genuinely happy on my own. When I said I didn’t mind spending the rest of my life single. I absolutely meant it. The single life is highly seductive, especially if you ave a wide circle of aquaintance. Doing what you want without reference to anyone elses wishes is brilliant. Making yourself happy is intoxicating.

Scary thing is I barely remember it already. I only think about her and making her happy. It’s a big shift in thinking. Huge. Massive. And it’s way too soon for me to be thinking this way…although I know she’s the same.

It’s strange to feel so intensely towards someone that you actually don’t know that well. Someone who you haven’t known long enough to have earned their trust, nor have they totally won yours.

Still freak out ended as they always do. She talked me down. It’s a skill not everyone has.

I really am in love.

It’s brilliant.

It’s terrifying.

It’s too damn soon but I have no desire at all to stop. You can’t choose when people come into your life. You just have to be thankful that they have and roll with it.

I am so stupidly happy.

Blessed Be

Minx

Bowled Over

Technominx — Fri, 25 Jun 2010 15:01:59 +0000

Can I just say that my life right now bears almost no resemblance to the way it looked 3 weeks ago.

Neither does my face.

Face is f’ing tired looking but sports a stupid grin about 95% of the time.

Life is lacking in sleep!

Dating someone with an opposing schedule to you is somewhat challenging.

Dating this particular someone makes it totally worth while!

Lots of newness. I didn’t think there was likely to be any emotional newness post G. I have after all met someone, fallen in love, dated, created and shared a life together before. Surely this should feel similar?

Nope. Apparently not.

This feels totally awesome.

I love my (very sleep deprived) life right now. Lucky for me I’m a night owl that doesn’t need that much shut eye!

Just want to say a little thank you to the goddess for the amazing gift that is C.

Yes you can vomit now. Thank you and goodnight.

Ups and Downs

Technominx — Sun, 13 Jun 2010 19:17:30 +0000

My brother and his wife have lost their unborn baby girl. I have no idea how to even think about helping to support them and feel horrible because of my limitations. I’m just too far away to offer practical help – not that they need any – and intruding on their grief would just be wrong when they need to concentrate on one another and not play host to a stream of grieving family.

I can’t imagine a child being more loved or wanted.

It is such a huge shame. A wasteful loss

I am currently on my holiday. I am enjoying the greenery at Centre Parcs with my mum and dad. I’m getting to practice with my camera a little and chill a lot. Today I learned to shoot a crossbow with my mum, which was brilliant.

Here is one of my Golds….Ta da! go me.

Tomorrow is a big Spa day for me and mum while my dad goes fishing. Should be marvelous. I do enjoy a good spa day!

After a few weeks with no sleep and no real appetite I am eating properly again and sleeping lots. It’s great to re-charge my batteries.

I am missing someone though.

I’ve sort of started seeing someone. It’s pretty early days – but it feels good and right and remarkably easy. I am missing them much more than I thought was possible in such a short time. Clearly I have it bad!

More news on that as appropriate. Not sure if I want my whole life in the public domain any more. The private as public has much less appeal than it used to.

Anyway that’s it for now.

Much love and Blessed Be

Minx

Laaaaaaaaaaaaa la la la la Laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

Technominx — Wed, 09 Jun 2010 15:37:18 +0000

Goodness life does take you some funny places.

Really can’t go into detail – been off work sick, been worried that would mean I’d screw up my probation – have in actuality passed my probabtion – HURRAH! Spent the night with Natalie – talking and getting a better idea of who she is – and she is fab. I can’t wait for her to move to Brighton. She’ll take university life with both hands and rub herself in it until she’s hot, sweaty and satisfied I suspect. I have seldom met anyone so ready for their life to start. It was kind of awesome.

Went on a camping trip at the weekend. It was ridiculously relaxing being out doors. I loved the sea and the beach – I ran in sand dunes! Brilliant! I paddled. I walked along the beach with people I care about. It typified everything that is different and marvellous about my life here. I never want to go back to my old one. Even though I miss my friends and the Southsiders in particular this is where I want to be.

Went to see Rocky Horror last night. First time I’ve seen the live stage version. After a lifetime of the Picture Show it was marvellous. I dressed up! Frank was AMAZING. Very very hot.

Right it’s the end of my working day and I have to get a few things done before I leave. I really should post a better update, but there is so much going on in my life at the moment I don’t know where to start….

I know I will start with a beer!

Bank holiday weekend continued

Technominx — Wed, 02 Jun 2010 13:01:01 +0000

Well I loved having Vic down even if it was for just one day. I got to try the Italian restaurant at the end if my road-very good, see an AC-DC tribute band, walk the Cathedral Close and see inside, walked the river side walk, eat Sunday lunch at the Red Lion and wander around the lanes. Pretty good going for 22 hours!

Over Sunday lunch V mentioned that she and H were in the early stages of organising a 2012 trip to Antarctica. It is less expensive to go as a three….and it’s somewhere I have always wanted to go… So I think I’m going to join them. It’ll be virtually impossible to raise the money, but you know what, where there’s a will there’s a way and all that. I can be a pretty determined cookie when push comes to shove.

Anyway, spent most of bank hol Monday at The Brickmakers bash. I watched about 7 bands which I enjoyed. I stayed too late and drank too much… So I am laying off the beer and ciggies for a bit. I even found myself reaching for an apple today. A surefire way to know my body has gone into self preservation mode!

On other matters. I am feeling thoughtful. In the space of a week I’ve gone from feeling terrified about the changes I sense in my near future to curious and a little bit excited… No rush and no worries though, I know that whatever happens will be the right thing. Even my divorce feels like that, and always did even when it was hard. My life is so much happier than it was when I was married. I’m pretty sure my ex feels exactly the same way. We should have been brave enough to part ways years ago. But you only learn from experience so…. Well just so, really.

Kind of threw myself at D on Sunday. He seemed surprised but pleased. I don’t know him well enough to read him properly yet but we’ll see what happens this weekend… Or see if I still have the inclination… Head is a bit torn. If I’m being honest my heart isn’t torn at all. It is pretty certain what it wants, but it’s not in my power to give it what it wants so I might just have to let my head run the show for a bit.

Rightio, not much of an update. Waffley and vague, but sleep deprivation will do that.

Blessed Be

Minx

– From the iPhone of Technominx

Macbeth and other stuff

Technominx — Sat, 29 May 2010 06:51:35 +0000

Well Thursday night I was in a production of Macbeth. There were about 9 of us taking part as extras. We met in the afternoon and got costumed, then had a run through of our scenes. In addition they needed someone to help lady Macbeth with her quick costume changes and apply/ remove the fake blood etc. I must have a reliable looking face because that person turned out to be me. It was really nice as it meant there was much less hanging about in between scenes – plus I got some much needed practice in stripping a woman to her underwear in and removing her bra. Valuable life skills I’m sure you’d agree!

I thought that we extras would go for a drink afterwards, but people dispersed pretty quickly. I forget that most people drive here so impromptu drinks can be more problematic than they sound. I was just wondering what to do with the rest of my night when C texted to say she was out on her girls night out and was currently mid pub crawl in the pub on the other side of the road to where I was standing. It seemed rude not to join them for just one…

Obviously ‘just one’ turned into a continuation of the pub crawl and eventually piling round my flat with beer, vodka, brandy and pringles in tow. Or as Tina has renamed them Pringoooooools. You probably had to be there. I laughed so much my face hurt. We played silly games And generally made merry and stayed up all night like a bunch of big kids. I went to bed at about 5.30. I haven’t seen my neighbour since but I’m guessing she doesn’t like me much right now. We weren’t very quiet.

Spent yesterday recovering and getting chores done. Had loads of washing to dump at the launderette and needed to get some supplies in and clean the flat. It took forever- I was not running at full speed due to the slight hangover I was sporting. I had to cancel my night out with Ads. I just needed a break from the beer. I still feel the same now. But it’s bank holiday weekend so beer there will be.

Vic arrives today. Looking forward to seeing her but not sure about exactly how it will feel to have 2 people in such a teeny flat. Guess I’ll find out!

Just as an aside. I’m not quite ready to talk about any romantic / amorous feelings I might or might not have for any particular man/ woman of my aquaintance yet. Just be assured that the information will be released when you need to know!

Right might just have a snooze before the alarm goes off.

Blessed Be

– From the iPhone of Technominx